My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.