My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
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(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.