Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.