My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.