My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
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by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Received some very disappointing news today
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
*ernest hemingway voice*
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”