Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.