My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.