Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.