My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
You Might Also Like
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
A classic…
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.