My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow