My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
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Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s