My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
This is why I hate group projects
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
