Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

relationship goals

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]