My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
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before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
At least he brought enough for everyone
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work