My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
You Might Also Like
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
me before I type out affect or effect
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
☠️ ☠️
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets