My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.