My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
You Might Also Like
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?