My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
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Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.