My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.