My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Dance like you’re not the father
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’