Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?

No weirdos.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired