Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute