Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

men, we mow at sunrise.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Noah was an idiot.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.