My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
You Might Also Like
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.