Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

Why do meteors always land in craters?

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER