My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything