Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

PARKOUR

Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”