Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

My patience has stretch marks.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?