Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.

Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!

#RateMyPun #LunchPun

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

😭😭😭

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.