My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
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I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible