@deedles420

My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.

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@IAmKatieOrr

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

@sock_holliday

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

@LurkAtHomeMom

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

@drinksmcgee

Be the first thought on her mind when she wakes up & the last before she sleeps… unless she’s plotting your murder… then don’t be that.

@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@glazerboohoohoo

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?

Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong