@deedles420

My husband said he was taking a spider out, instead of killing it. That was an hour ago. I bet they’re drunk by now.

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@Mike_Bianchi

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

@Shreyayayy

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

@northernlivng24

Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*

Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
*refreshes condescendingly*

Me: SHUT UP! I CAN DO THIS!

@ContradictEgo

Replacing facebook with Twitter is a bit like replacing caffeine with heroin

@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@CatsVsHumanity

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

@plsfindmeagf

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

@Moronyc

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer