My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Social distancing in Australia:
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
