My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
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As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law