Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

Tough love is true love

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?