Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

This could be us but you eatin’

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug