Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”