My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
.. do you even science?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me