Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

Cake!!

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.