My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.