Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

murder on the timeline

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer