Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.