My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.