My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
i hate you platonically
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
so this horse walks into a bar
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet