My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Why soy sad?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Math at Halloween.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Rambo Rambow
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us