My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Fights fire with marshmallows
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)