My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Voting for coroner
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
That lamp looks PISSED.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
We need it on priority
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”