My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
LOOOOOOL
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
reminder
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.