My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.