Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?