My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
fourth time’s the charm
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*