My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
How to find Kentucky on a map
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Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Monday Lisa
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How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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I’m never leaving this app.
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The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)