My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer