My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.