My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.