Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

never forget

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat