My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Saturday
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
you gotta be faster
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
