My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
