Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

yeah no that’s fair

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

☠️ ☠️

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner: