Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

Buying a well is money well spent.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.