Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

accurate

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?