@adrianmyreality

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

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@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

@heatherlou_

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

@Mom_Overboard

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

@tesselatrix

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

@texasstalkermom

Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.

@davidkenny100

Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?

@ClichedOut

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen