My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.


I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”



If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.


People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.


Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.


Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.


Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?


Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen