My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside