Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

pat pat

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.