My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia