My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom