My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Yeah. This was me today.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
sailors wish they could swear like me
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background