My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
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I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools