Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).