my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
You Might Also Like
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv