my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
some things should go without saying
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.