Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

pizza

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

PLEASE READ

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

[Job Interview]

Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.

Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?