My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
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An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.