Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….

Me: …addicted

15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…

Me: …addicted

15: what smacked you in the face last night?

Me: …go to your room

You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

181.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?